Soul Calibur: CulDeSac Chronicles
by The Famous Tanman
Summary: Inspired by Jin Long's ''Calibur Academy'' comes another humor fic. See what havoc ensues when the Soul Calibur characters live in the same neighborhood!
1. Prologue: CulDeSac Directory

Prologue:  
  
Cul-de-sac Directory  
  
Welcome to 16th Century Eurasia, the name of this secluded cul-de-sac (note: A cul-de-sac is one of those circular dead-end streets with houses around it). In this tranquil--  
  
*bomb explodes*  
  
Okay... not so tranquil... location are quite a few houses.  
  
Charade's House: This house is owned by a piece of the Soul Edge, namely Charade, and is... the size of a closet. If Charade could speak, he would invite people to a sleepover.  
  
*Picks up a piece of paper*  
  
Hm, sleepover at 8:00, Charade's house...  
  
Mitsurugi's House: The local abode full of many a katana, glass cases with katanas, and of course, his famous Shishi-Oh hanging above the classic fireplace. Heishiro Mitsurugi, known as a mercenary, is a katana fanatic. (His current target is Yoshimitsu's sword Yoshimitsu)  
  
The Seung Household: This house is built much like a dojo, heck, it even has a cool Yin/Yang arena (Note: one of the secret Soul Calibur 2 stages)! There are four people living here, Seung Han Myong, Seung Mina, Hwang Sung Kyung, and Hong Yun Sung. First, Seung Han Young is the type of person who is all knowledgeable, all knowing, all telling, but is all ignored. He has a huge rivalry with Edge Master. Seung Mina is the only woman in the household, and is quite levelheaded... until she whacks you with her Zamba-toh at the moment you criticize her for being a woman! She's also the baker of the cul-de-sac, and holds bake sales in the cul-de-sac on Fridays. Hwang is levelheaded and experienced from the route of war, while Yunsung is hotheaded and always wanting to challenge Hwang, who always refuses.  
  
Taki's House: Bring a flashlight, folks! This place is as dark as a dungeon, which it is not. It has all the convenient appliances of home, but you can't see them!  
  
Talim's House... er...: Talim... well... she has an almost empty lot! It's full of grass, two trees and a hammock. Her bird also lives here, as an added bonus. Talim herself is a wind priestess, calm, cool, collected, and peace-loving; the perfect victim to innocently and accidentally pull into a fight dust cloud. On a side note, she seems to ask everyone but the obvious baker, Seung Mina, for cooking ingredients...  
  
The Alexandra Living Quarters (House and household is getting clichéd): This is the location where Sophitia and her family live, which Rothion, Pyrrha and Patroklos don't matter much, but they might cameo in the fic. Sophitia is like a goddess, another levelheaded peacekeeper, but not dragged into fights. Her household is the only one safe from Nightmare. Cassandra is a bit less equipped in the levelheaded department, but a lot better off than Yunsung... But she's overall averagely good in the normal swordsperson thing.  
  
Raphael's Mansion: Raphael poisoned the original noble of the mansion for good intentions... that noble was probably a jerk anyway, Raphael has some good intentions, as long as he doesn't kill non-selfish nobles-- *ahem*. Anyhow, obviously Raphael lives here, he has servants, charitable, and has an adopted daughter who doesn't talk much, Amy. Wants to kill Ivy for obvious reasons.  
  
New Ling-Sheng Su Temple: For those who don't know what happened to the old one... read Kilik's storyline on www.soulcalibur.com and you'll know. The only two people who live here are Edge Master, the old man still very fit and knowledgeable, and is more of a listener than a speaker, and Kilik, the ex-apprentice who mastered his stuff, and contains the discipline and experience that Edge Master sees is perfect.  
  
Xianghua's Abode: Hm... well... normal house, but it DOES contain Soul Calibur, and her unnamed Chinese sword.  
  
Maxi's Living Quarters: This place smells like an ocean breeze, and maybe that's because of all the kelp on the ceiling... There is a lot of sailor stuff, two nunchakus, an open window, rewards for stuff he did, delivered, etc., and his prized "1st Place in the Eurasia sailing race" plaque that he won against Cervantes. Maxi is a bit cocky, and that's about it. He always forgets who Kilik and Xianghua are. Oh yeah, he hates Astaroth.  
  
Siegfried's Location-of-Where-He-Lives: Looks like there's a lot of armor here. Don't touch the security safe, Siegfried forgot the combination for good reasons, because it has Soul Edge! It's quite strange that the doorstop always has dead and soulless bodies in the morning, it's as reliable as dew. Siegfried is paranoid, 'nuff said, and Nightmare comes out every night at exactly 11:27 sharp, and kills people outside the cul-de-sac. Guess where the bodies end up...  
  
Ivy's Mansion: Now here's a place worth living, although it's greatness is equal to Raphael's, but that's an opinion. This place has all the needs of a brown-and-gray drab mansion, two floors, two wings, and the Ivy Blade (Valentine) is in a locked and sealed metal box in its own room so it doesn't escape. Ivy is a rude snob, so there's not much to say about personality. She is also trying to kill Cervantes (which is logically impossible without taking or destroying the Soul Edge, but she knows that).  
  
Astaroth's Heckhole (come on! I'm keeping this under R rating at most, so I'm not saying that word! Besides, I never say it myself): From the door, a bridge leads across a green acid pit to a stone circular platform, that's it. There is a statue of Medusa on the left of the room. Astaroth is a killing machine, and there is not much else. Lizardman also lives here, and he just hisses.  
  
Cervantes's Place: If anything, Cervantes owns the biggest part of a collective memorabilia, the collection of Soul Edge merchandise! He has Soul Edge furniture, Soul Edge computer, heck, even Soul Edge silverware! Cervantes himself wants to complete his set, so he is searching for shards to finish his collection. He also wants Ivy to join him in his quest for the perfect collection.  
  
Vercci's Money Pit: Vercci's dead. Simple as that. Voldo guards the money pit, and he's... weird. He hates Yoshimitsu.  
  
Yoshimitsu's Shack: A wooden shack, but it's not run-down. It's full of faded pictures, probably all people from the old Manji clan. Yoshimitsu himself is a chivalrous thief (mean steal from the rich and give to the poor) with good morals, strong ethics, great honor, and a wooden clockwork-like arm. He is currently after the money from Ivy, Raphael, Heihachi, and the Money Pit, as well as guarding his own sword from the katana-crazed Mitsurugi.  
  
Li Long's Deserted Place: Li Long was run over by a car (I know, I know, storyline, but this wasn't an ordinary car, it was Cervantes's Soul Edge car!). His tombstone is at the front. But his ghost lives on... he currently wants to haunt Cervantes. The house itself is verrrrrrrry termite-infested, chipped, etc. and Li Long is very ambitious, not to mention a cocky jerk, more cocky than Maxi!  
  
Rock's Camp: Two tents, one man, Rock is brave and headstrong, and also wants Bangoo to come. The tents have sleeping bags.  
  
Necrid's Area of Living: This place looks like a mix of the Aurora Borealis, and a dark and dreary house. Necrid himself is very energy-grubbing, and has a high electric bill. He oughtta find a better way to recharge his Enigma... Solar power, perhaps?  
  
Link's Treehouse: If you've played Ocarina of Time, it's his treehouse. Now it's quite... quaint. It has a bed, a wooden table, a checklist on the wall, and a cow (yes, a cow). Seung Mina stops by here for obvious reasons (No, not hamburgers!). Link is a man of great deeds, I can't put my finger on the word, and maybe a little (very little) naive at times.  
  
Heihachi's Private Summer Resort: Heihachi's special resort is where he gets away from all his relatives (Kazuya, Jin, other jerks) and keeps some of his money from the Mishima Zaibatsu (Note: Zaibatsu is Japanese for a huge business corp.) in a secluded room with a safe. Heihachi is power-hungry, and is trying to get the Soul Edge to fulfill his dream of ultimate power. In that, he is very much like Cervantes, kinda...  
  
Spawn's Portal: Spawn... has a portal to the underworld/nether-realm/whatever, leading to a house that is dark and dreary, as well as dim-lit, but at least you can see! Not much outside of the house, unless you like doomed worlds. Spawn himself... very harsh and violent (Hey, it's not like I ever read the comics!)  
  
Okay, the stories are probably shorter than this prologue...  
  
So happy slaughter-housing! And don't trip over the bump leading to the quicksand on the left sidewalk.  
  
*Trips and falls in*  
  
I'M SINKING!!!  
  
*changes voice to an official detail-describing-person-who-mentions-radio-deals*  
  
All the characters in this fanfic except for Necrid, Link, and Spawn are © NAMCO. Necrid and Spawn are © to Todd McFarlane. Link © Nintendo. This fic inspired by Jin Long's "Calibur Academy". All rights reserved, and wrongs sent to Astaroth's place and thrown into the acid. 


	2. Chapter 1: Inside the Money Pit

Chapter 1:  
  
Inside the Money Pit...  
  
Welcome to the Money Pit, a place filled with treasure, but only if you can get past the traps leading to it! The most unconventional traps are put here to ensure no one reaches the main room, as Yoshimitsu will see...  
  
"Ah, I've gotten past the launching spears, sensing lasers, and the chainsaws, to name a few. There isn't much left..."  
  
Yoshimitsu soon found out that the traps get even trickier, as he stepped on a floor panel and... Yoshimitsu is knocked square to the ground! And the verdict...  
  
A spring-loaded boxing glove knocked him upside the head.  
  
"Ow... What madman puts the glove of a boxer in the wall?" With that he sliced the spring and continued. "Now there are only three traps left."  
  
Later down the road, he found a tell-tale sign of another trap.  
  
"Ah, this one resembles the one known as Steel Rain... but probably more dangerous..." Yoshimitsu looked down the road and saw after the whole floor under the trapdoor ceiling was a safe spot. "Perhaps I should've asked Yunsung how to vault with a sword, but I have faith that I can make this jump."  
  
Yoshimitsu made a leap of faith... just to land one inch from the safe spot. The roof opened up to reveal... falling pies! They all landed on Yoshimitsu, which he then spits out.  
  
"Ewww... Why did they have to be apple? I prefer blueberry myself"  
  
The second-to last trap seems a bit vague, but one clue was there...  
  
"A sloped incline... and sensory lasers blocking the whole area, there is no way I can skip this, so I must..." Yoshimitsu walked through, and a thud sounded. Looking behind him, he saw...  
  
"A giant boulder! Now I get it!" The boulder starts to roll. "It seems this downward ramp lets the boulder accelerate at a rate where none but the fastest can escape and... I should be running now, shouldn't I?" As the boulder neared him, he ran like heck.  
  
Rushing from the boulder, Yoshimitsu saw another man running alongside him. Looking ahead, there was a dim light, but a pit as well... The man alongside him grabbed his human arm and said one thing. "Hang on tight." With that the man grabbed a whip and latched on to a wooden plank over the pit and swung across. As the two land, Yoshimitsu turned around to see that this man was wearing archaeologist clothing.  
  
"Is this where the lost ark is located?" said the man.  
  
"Sorry, no, try the temple down the street."  
  
"Darn." He left.  
  
The last trap was in the vicinity, but it was so well kept, no one found out until it was too late. Even Yoshimitsu, with his mastery of traps, couldn't sense it. "So Vercci meant to keep this one as a deathwish... but it won't stop me from reaching his treasures. Whoaah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!" He soon found the reason for dismay...  
  
The whole floor was covered with banana peels.  
  
"Not the horror of the slippery peelings of the crescent fruit!!!" He tried using the walls to cross, but to no avail, as he fell and landed on the peels, slipping, slipping, slipping some more, and launching off a ramp slope. As the view swaps to another camera and zooms into Yoshimitsu, he lands on a wide catwalk while his sword stabs into something...  
  
(Behind the Scene:  
  
"Hey swap to another camera! He just took out the one under the catwalks!")  
  
He looked around and saw what he expected. Gold, diamonds, dollar bills, rupees, yen, francs, euros, pesos, those old Greek coins that changed every so often, and sugar cane! Yoshimitsu took out a huge bag and stuffed as much of the goodies in there, having some of the sugar cane.  
  
As soon as the bag was full, he started to head back, only to find someone stopping him. Yoshimitsu stood back...  
  
"A master of many lives, observed..."  
  
With a start, Yoshimitsu went for a vertical swipe, only for Voldo to evade and swap to a Mantis crawl. As he rolled into a wheel, he went toward Yoshimitsu, only to swap to a Deathcopter trick to attack Voldo. Voldo then lunged his Katar right into Yoshimitsu's mask! Stuck to the mask, the katar was pulled back by Voldo, revealing his bandages and red eyes. "YOSHIMITSU NEVER REMOVES HIS MASK!!!"  
  
Yoshimitsu then rushed Voldo, used a shark attack combo, and as Voldo got up from the attack, got massacred with a ninja blade rush.  
  
Yoshimitsu then took his mask from the beaten-to-a-pulp Voldo and put it back on. "I am Yoshimitsu! Had enough?"  
  
Back at his shack, Yoshimitsu put ¾ths of the money in a box reading:  
  
"Send to the poor. Gradually drop it along the flight path."  
  
Ah... another job well done.  
  
--------  
  
Well, it makes you wonder why Yoshimitsu has a wooden arm. He lost it, read the official Soul Calibur history for that.  
  
Next Chapter:  
  
The Collector and the Heir 


	3. Chapter 2: The Collector and the 'Heir'

Chapter 2:  
  
The Collector and the "Heir"  
  
"What do you want me for?"  
  
"No, you don't want me, I want you."  
  
"GET YOUR HEARING CHECKED OLD MAN! I SAID I AM NEVER JOINING YOU! NOW STOP CALLING ME!"  
  
A phone makes a strong "clack" sound. The slammer of the phone, Isabella Valentine, more commonly known as Ivy, went to another room to think about this call.  
  
"I can't believe he had the nerve to call me, he's probably using his special fancy phone of his. What a snob. I'll show him..." As Ivy went down the west wing of her mansion, she entered another room, where a sealed metal box was rocking around like there was a rabid dog inside.  
  
"Time to come out, Valentine." Ivy unlocked the box and unsealed it, and after it was opened, the snake sword, Valentine, dashed toward the wall, where there was a hole...  
  
(Behind the scene: "Drat it! Cervantes's Soul Edge camera is destroyed! We're gonna be dead! And after Yoshimitsu busted up our main camera!")  
  
After destroying the camera, the unusual sword returned to Ivy. "Well then, Valentine, let's show that old man what he deserves."  
  
Walking along Calibur Drive (I never gave the name of the street until now) she barely avoided the quicksand, due to the dead bodies next to it.  
  
"Oh, uh... h-h-hi, Isabella..." a figure said, quivering.  
  
"Huh? What was your name again, Siegfried?" Ivy asked as she stepped away from the quicksand.  
  
"Y-y-yes... t-t-that's me." Siegfried stuttered nervously.  
  
"What the heck are you doing?" Ivy demanded. With that, Siegfried stepped back.  
  
"Uh... I-I-I'm just sinking the dead bodies... T-t-they just always appear at my d-d-doorstep..."  
  
"THEN WHY ARE YOU JUST DUMPING THEM IN THE QUICKSAND!?!" With that, Siegfried screamed and ran at lightning speed back to his house, not bothering to open the door.  
  
"What a fool." Ivy looks at the dead bodies. "My accountant? Good riddance, after asking for a raise, he deserved this."  
  
Inside another house was a collection of grotesque artifacts. Interestingly enough, these artifacts looked like modern appliances.  
  
"With her help, I shall finish my collection, MY COLLECTION OF SOUL EDGE!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Wait, my Soul Edge alarm system is going off. To the Soul Edge external visual monitor!" The man, Cervantes, rushed to the screen and looked. "Yes, she's here. After a little persuasion, I'm sure she'll join me."  
  
As Ivy approached the door, it opened, Cervantes standing at the other side. "Come with me, my child..." Ivy walked in and pushed him aside. "Move away old man, I only came here to destroy your Soul Edge memorabilia."  
  
With that, Cervantes lunged his sword right in front of Ivy. "Not yet, my child. You still must be acquainted in a hospitable manner."  
  
Cervantes walked Ivy around the house. "...and there is my Soul Edge computer! Over there is my Soul Edge calendar, and there is my Soul Edge cell phone. Plus there is my Soul Edge bed! It always refreshes my soul, if I still had one. Now I'll get you a drink. Have a seat somewhere."  
  
As Ivy was sent to one of the Soul Edge chairs, Cervantes left and came back with coffee. "Perhaps you want coffee? I made it in my Soul Edge coffee maker. A special Spanish blend, pure evil in every drop."  
  
"No thanks, I already had lunch." As Ivy refused, she started her attack by destroying the Soul Edge cup.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!" Cervantes screamed in a high pitched tone. "THAT'S IT! OUT NOW!!!"  
  
As soon as Ivy was thrown out of the house, a familiar face was outside, mowing grass.  
  
"Oh... h-h-hi Isabella" Siegfried said nervously again.  
  
"It's Ivy you dolt."  
  
"S-s-sorry, please don't kill me!"  
  
"I have no use or intention of killing you. And why are you cutting the grass with your zweihandler?"  
  
"I-I-I don't have a lawnmower."  
  
With that, Ivy took out a 1000 dollar bill and handed it to Siegfried. "Consider yourself lucky, I'm not usually charitable, but your method is too pitiful to even look at."  
  
--------  
  
Okay. This might bring up a few questions. First, if you think I hate Siegfried because of making him this way, you are very wrong. He falls under one of my favorite characters in Soul Calibur (even if I never played as him during the 2 times I played it). And... that's the only question I can think of.  
  
Next Chapter:  
  
A Day in the Life of Taki  
  
Just remembered. As for question 2, you'll find out the reasons for Taki's lighting (or lack thereof). 


End file.
